A client’s reflection on how IFS has changed her life
The Transformative Power of IFS: A Personal Reflection
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy has been a cornerstone of my life and healing
for several years; and if I had to distill it down – the main benefits of this extraordinary
model to me personally – I’d say there are five core advantages over other forms of
talk therapy that I have experienced:
- IFS HAS given me a clear, non-pathologising framework for understanding the
multiple aspects or “parts” of myself. It has also given a voice and legitimacy
to those parts of my personality that are less conventional or contradictory to
my usual presentation(s) in life. In contrast, I recently read a book by an
eminent Irish psychologist who referred to our ‘many selves’ and our ‘one true
self’– I found this explanation perplexing, and I can imagine that without
having the language of IFS, I (or at least all my figuring it out parts) would
keep asking “Which self is the true self? How can you differentiate?”
By contrast , the IFS approach of naming parts as unique ‘inner beings who
exist’ is much more helpful to understand my own inner landscape and in a way
that feels both intuitive and empowering.
The second aspect of the framework that was a game changer for me was the concept of an ‘undamaged Self’. For someone like me, who has felt hopeful yet damaged at times by life’s
challenges, this idea has been deeply healing. - PRACTISING IFS has also enhanced my relationships—with my partner, friends,
and colleagues (well at least most of the time !!) I’ve experienced three major
shifts in how I engage with others. Firstly, I have less attachment to outcomes
in those interactions as I gain more Self-energy. Secondly, I generally
have more compassion for others’ parts rather than previously seeing
these parts as a singular “totality”. And thirdly, in a work context I’m a better
trainer facilitator and supervisor as for many reasons my protectors have
dropped back in these contexts, other parts /exiles no longer have to be there
(which is a big relief to them) – both of which allow me to bring more Self-
energy/Self-leadership and or more creativity to these situations.
While these changes may not be empirically measurable, the feedback I receive – from
loved ones to strangers – frequently refers to a noticeable shift in the energy I
bring to those interactions. - ONE of IFS’s greatest strengths lies in its encouragement of self-healing. As a
client, I am guided by Gayle to become my own healer, which facilitates me
as the client to develop my own IFS life practice in a way that doesn’t seem
rigid or prescriptive. I speak about the work I do between sessions with
Gayle, and I know my limits in the work, but I’ve also found that there are no
real rights and wrongs as long as you keep fidelity to the basic tenets of the
model; but after that it’s free reign, which has led me on extraordinary journeys
with many interesting Celtic characters and more recently to building an
impressive ‘Kasbah’ sandcastle for a very precious little exile. This may seem
like an odd benefit, but by connecting to my part/parts between sessions, and
also some badly needed playfulness with these little ones, it has also bolstered
my confidence in the therapeutic process. - ANOTHER remarkable aspect of IFS is its accessibility. Despite not having a
background in psychology, I have found the resources and concepts easy to
grasp. Gayle, often recommends materials tailored to my
current needs, helping me deepen my understanding. I’ve have a strong need
to understand part(s) and I’ve found the resources very accessible and
sensemaking – there no big demystification required or any alienating
concepts; no precious gatekeeping of what’s for the profession and what’s for
the client – there is a sense that we are all in this together as part of building
the bigger Self-energy in the world, whoever you are.
IFS fosters a sense of inclusivity and shared growth. This openness has been both
refreshing and liberating, even if not all psychology professionals I’ve encountered fully appreciate my enthusiasm for the model. - THE MOST profound benefit of IFS for me has been an evolving sense of
“peaceful clarity,” a term coined by Dick Schwartz, where he describes how it
feels like your ‘mind, body and soul have expanded’.
One thing I have in common with Dick Schwartz is playing sport to a pretty high level
and also the experience of what sport psychologists refer to as peak flow, where Dick
Schwartz says you are ‘calm confident and joyful in the moment‘ and
everything appears effortless – a state that I deeply resonated with.
After sport, we both ‘chased the dragon’ for that sensation in very different places
but ultimately after his own circuitous route in therapy he created IFS and
found it there; and now I, as a client in IFS therapy, have also found it there.
This is the most difficult benefit to articulate – the closest I could have got to
before IFS would be that sensation you sometimes get when you are ‘out in
nature’ and it feels like time has stopped and you are suspended but yet
connected to something much greater than yourself.
Early in my journey with IFS, I sometimes experienced a sense of bliss after
unburdening a particular part and would want to squirrel away from real life
and people to hold on to the feeling as long as I could, almost like you would
with a new exciting lover. I often spoke to Gayle about this and how typical it
is, etc. Over time the peak of the bliss may have plateaued; but each time we
unburdened another part or helped another protector relax, that energy began
to convert to what I would describe as a beautiful pool of water.
This water has absorbed many energy droplets from all the parts we’ve helped overtime
and that adds almost an amazing, rare bioluminescence quality to the pool
like you see in the sea in the summertime – if you’re lucky. Each time those
droplets are added, the pool grows, and has now become a peaceful lake.
This lake is an amazing resource for me, and I go there often. At times it is
cool and refreshing balm and at other times it is like a hot spring where I take
my battered & bruised mind body and soul to heal and recover. The longer I
do IFS, the easier it is to access; and now even in a tense context I can get to it.
This lake has also become my third eye, offering a perspective beyond the
duality of head-based logic and gut-based intuition Now I find that I call on
this lake a third element which has a very different energy – almost Yoda like.,
There is no chaos in the lake, no inner civil war, no chatter; it feels wise and
at times it is even serene. Funnily enough, anyone who knows me would
probably laugh at this description because I – well at least most of my parts – are
brutal at meditation, not very zen, and I prefer mindlessness to mindfulness;
yet within me now, is this sacred peaceful place that I cherish value and
protect.
Another interesting enduring quality about this lake is that it never leaves,
even when one or more of my very strong dominant protectors are firmly
running the show. This is where some real IFS magic happens because it still
allows me to hold space for them and some compassion for them while they
are in full flow, whereas previously I would probably have piled on the
criticisms as well.
Recently for example, I have been dealing with some very
industrious ‘overdoing it parts’ who are very busy keeping me from distracted
from some life ‘stuff’ and also aspects of the inner work with my little ‘golden’
exile, but now it’s like a kind voice, akin to what you call in Irish a ‘bean feasa’
– or wise woman, who just kindly says ‘it’s okay, I know what you’re doing and
why’ to those parts; and it all feels ok, almost as if this will be a temporary
stage – she understand them and she’s with me.
I never thought I would gain this level of peace inside of me and could never
comprehend when, for example, Maya Angelou said you need to have a place
in you that’s pristine, clean and inviolate, and that this pristine place may be
the place you go to meet God. I am not a religious person, but I do now
understand how the profound connection I once felt ‘out in nature’ has
become something I carry within me.
This sacred, peaceful place has enriched my life in ways I never thought possible,
and for that, I will always cherish IFS.
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